What is emotional balance in a relationship and how can we achieve it?

Excessive dependency or distance from a partner can create significant challenges in a relationship. In this article, we explain each of these situations and introduce ways to achieve emotional balance in a relationship. Before anything else, read the following scenarios and tell us which one is similar to your life or your romantic partner's life.

Scenario One:

They never understand me. Nobody understood me in the past either. Sometimes they don't talk to me for days. Even when they don't behave well with me, I am concerned about them. I do everything for them, but when they don't pay attention to me, I feel like an extra. They never see my efforts. It has always been the same. One day, they finally understand and appreciate me.

Scenario Two:

I can manage my own affairs. This is my safe zone. I am not an emotional or romantic person. I don't need anyone's support and therefore don't ask for help. I don't like arguing. I usually remain silent. I married for work. I lose my freedom in the relationship. I prefer to be alone. Stagnation; I am because you are

Scenario one illustrates stagnation. These individuals have no emotional identity and usually start their sentences with "we." They focus too much on their partner's feelings and problems. This attention can lead to disappointment and a sense of need because they cannot control others' emotions and feelings, which can emotionally break them over time.

They are afraid of having inner independence and self-reliance because they have deep doubts and seek others' approval to strengthen their self-worth. This issue can lead to blaming their partner for their problems and self-doubt, which can damage the relationship.

Scenario two shows excessive distance. These individuals prioritize independence and control in their relationship, and their emotions take a back seat. They prefer to avoid arguments and remain silent, which can cause misunderstandings and miscommunication with their partner. Their marriage is based on work rather than a romantic relationship, and they feel that their freedom is lost in the relationship. They prefer being alone and fear the emotional dependence that comes with a relationship.

In both scenarios, emotional balance can be achieved through communication, understanding, and developing emotional independence. It's crucial to recognize the patterns and behaviors that cause emotional instability and work towards building a healthy relationship.

Inefficient Emotional Balance

In a relationship where these two groups, the dependent person is constantly seeking an emotional connection, while their partner is moving away in the same proportion. No healthy emotional balance exists between these two people in the context of two fundamental aspects of a person's life, personal space, and the space related to a two-person relationship. The life of the first person is more in the space of the relationship, and the opposite side is in the personal space.

For these two individuals, if they continue to maintain the same personality they have, one will remain stagnant, and the other will become frustrated. Therefore, instead of emotional support, couples focus on each other's flaws and changing their life partner because they believe their approach to life is normal and resist change. Over time, they avoid talking and find themselves in an inefficient balance. The dependent person tries too hard emotionally for their spouse or partner but is neglectful of their own personal life, while the opposite person acts inversely.

Usually, couples are unaware of these patterns and honestly believe that they are doing their best for their relationship. However, despite their good intentions, these individuals experience emotional distress. Although this ineffective stability creates temporary peace, it reduces the life of a relationship.

As mentioned, the durability of this unhealthy emotional balance is not constant and may be jeopardized in certain times. For example, impactful life events such as having a child, losing parents, unemployment, physical or mental problems such as illness and depression that can reveal hidden tensions, may threaten the balance of the relationship. In fact, when one of the parties feels vulnerable, old and hidden wounds are reopened.

Differentiation; I respect you, me, and us.

If we consider a spectrum where one end is non-transformation and the other end is despair, differentiation is in the middle of this spectrum. Murray Bowen, the pioneer of family therapy, describes differentiation as an evolutionary process driven by two opposing forces, the need for connection and separation. Differentiation refers to how an individual perceives themselves in dealing with their emotions.

A differentiated person accepts and distinguishes their emotions and thoughts, manages their reactions, and makes meaningful choices with awareness of their impact on others. They take care of themselves as well as others.

Restoring emotional balance and effectiveness Depending on the level of these patterns, the duration of the relationship and the intensity of the distressing event that disrupted the ineffective balance, restoring balance requires time and assistance. Below are some tips for restoring stability.

Regulating emotions

Dr. John Gottman and Julie Gottman believe that when we are experiencing emotions, the best time to learn about them is in the moment. When you or your partner are experiencing an emotional situation, follow these steps:

Listen to your emotions and understand them without immediately focusing on finding a solution. Validate your emotions based on past experiences and normalize them for yourself. Accept your emotions and know that it's okay to have them. Assure yourself that you will get through the situation and find the right solution. Establish your emotional boundaries. Identify your emotional boundaries and be aware of them. Remember that you are not responsible for fixing your partner's mood and do not let their emotional state affect you. Your partner can work through their emotions on their own, and all they need from you is to listen and understand.

Create your identity.

Take time to understand your beliefs, values, and emotions, and become aware of who you really are. Define yourself by setting boundaries, accepting and respecting yourself, and practicing self-regulation. Express yourself and share your thoughts with your partner and be present in their life. Choose your goals based on your values and work towards achieving them.

Emotional balance means creating a healthy personal space, belonging, being in a relational space, and maintaining relationships.