Why do we fall in love with people who hurt us?

The truth is, we're all looking for people who can recreate the feeling of being loved that we experienced in childhood. However, the love we experienced as children was sometimes mixed with painful aspects: the feeling of being unseen, the unstable and breakable love of parents, or even experiencing abuse and mistreatment from them.

This issue prepares us to choose a partner for our life whose communication style with us reflects certain patterns of communication that we have experienced in our childhood and feel familiar with, but these individuals may not necessarily behave kindly towards us.

We are all completely free in choosing the person we want to be with. In fact, our right to make choices is much greater than we think.

However, some of the most important factors that play a role in choosing our life partner originate from sources that we do not even consider: our childhood, past psychological experiences, traumas or even experiences from adolescence. All of these shape our attachment patterns unconsciously and push us towards particular individuals who can fulfill our psychological needs.

In fact, this is a recreation of our emotional childhood experiences that create the feeling of love in us, so we fall in love with people who revive the emotions and feelings that we experienced in our childhood. But as mentioned, this experience of love can sometimes come with painful aspects, such as feeling not good enough, abandoned or suffering.

These experiences actually prepare us to fall in love with people who not only treat us kindly but, most importantly, provide us with a sense of support and security. In fact, we are mostly seeking to feel accepted.

Our problems often arise because we respond to such people in the same way we learned as children. For example, perhaps we had relatively angry parents who often raised their voices and argued with us. We loved them and therefore responded to their behavior by feeling guilty and blaming ourselves when they got angry, resulting in a humble and fear-based behavior.

Now, if a partner (whom we have been magnetically attracted to) shows such behaviors, we also respond by being a wounded and victimized child: we get angry, feel that any conflict is our fault, and at the same time deserve inappropriate criticism and treatment.

As a result, we are likely to be attracted to someone who quickly gets angry about anything, and we also experience that emotional pattern learned in childhood in return. Or if we had fragile and sensitive parents who were easily hurt, we unconsciously seek a partner who is also somewhat weak and fragile and expects us to take care of them.

However, after a while of their weakness and vulnerability, we get tired and try to behave towards them with excessive conscientiousness. In fact, we try to support them and reassure them (just as we did when we were children) but at the same time we criticize them for their incompetence and inadequacy.

The truth is that we cannot change the pattern of attachment to these particular individuals. But there is always a solution to responding more maturely (as opposed to children) to such situations. Psychologists believe that we have the ability to behave in a mature and logical way in any situation.

The goal of this mature solution is not necessarily to end such relationships, but to understand each other's behavioral flaws and work on them in a convincing and mature way. Instead of deciding to change our life partner in such situations, it may be wiser to improve our reactions and behavior towards these troublesome individuals.

In the following of this article, we will examine various reasons that cause us to be attracted to troublesome and harmful individuals and enter into emotional relationships with them. Then we will review the correct way of interacting with such individuals from the perspective of psychologists. Stay with us.

 

Why do we attract problematic people?

An old proverb says, "love is blind." Psychologists also believe that we don't have much choice about who we fall in love with. Some believe in love at first sight, while others have their own romantic theories. However, when we fall in love with someone who is incompatible and problematic, sometimes we can't correctly identify the psychological underpinnings of our choice.

In fact, when we fall in love, we don't impose this feeling on ourselves, but it happens naturally. But the important question is how does this happen?

Our feeling for people we love and are attracted to comes from somewhere that we usually don't pay attention to because we feel that it is not important in our lives. But the truth is that some experiences and events in human life have significant psychological importance.

Our criteria for choosing people we love and feel attracted to have roots in our childhood.

Our experiences in childhood push us towards people who exhibit certain behavioral traits. Throughout our lives, we seek out those who can recreate the feeling of love that we experienced in our childhood and help us to relive those emotional experiences. However, the important issue is that the love we often first experience in childhood may not necessarily have been accompanied by kindness and affection.

Given this psychological reality, some of us expose ourselves to relationships that are accompanied by painful aspects in adulthood.

In fact, experiencing domestic violence, child abuse, parental depression, lack of sufficient love from parents, losing parents at a young age, and other painful experiences can cause us to see the world differently when we reach adulthood.

Covert search for parental reflection

Psychological research shows that when it comes to our emotional relationships, we're not just looking for someone who is kind and loving, but rather someone who can help us recreate the emotional experiences and events of our childhood.

This psychological need can lead us to overlook people who may actually be good matches for us, and instead make choices based on our childhood experiences that may not be in our best interest and may even be harmful.

Some of us advise those in toxic and unhealthy relationships to leave their abusive and toxic partner and be more discerning in seeking a partner who is deserving of their love and affection. But the truth is, this is often easier said than done because we can't magically end our feelings towards someone and fall in love with someone who has a healthy personality.

In these types of relationships, instead of asking these abusive partners to change their behavior, we ourselves begin to adapt our behavior to theirs.

In reality, we respond to these abusive and toxic partners in the same way we responded to our abusive parents in childhood. With regards to your angry spouse who raises their voice and always hurts you, you feel guilty and at fault, just like you did when you were a child with angry parents.

In these situations, we become sullen, remain silent, and feel like everything is our fault, just like when we were children. But on the other hand, this creates a sense of hatred towards the other person in our hearts.

We cannot change the pattern through which we become interested in others and fall in love with them. The only thing we can change is to have a more constructive approach towards the relationship and to behave more thoughtfully towards ourselves and the other person.

 

A difficult relationship

Theoretically, we are completely free in choosing the person we love and face no limitations in choosing our partner. We do not fall in love with someone because of social contracts or cultural and legal requirements. However, our freedom of choice in finding a life partner is much less than we think.

This issue makes us ready to look for a partner who may not necessarily treat us with affection and love, but rather revives those familiar childhood emotions for us.

In fact, our childhood experiences may force us to overlook many suitable options for marriage and emotional relationships, simply because they are not capable of satisfying the desires that have become intertwined with love and affection within us. We may find someone "boring" or "unattractive," but what we actually mean is that it is unlikely that they will make me experience the feeling of love and affection through the suffering of this yearning.

A Deep Need

This emotional need accompanies us throughout our lives and affects our emotional relationships. In fact, for some of us, it is something that never leaves us, it is part of our identity and prominent features. These experiences directly affect the process of our emotional identity development: sometimes we fall in love with someone with whom we establish stable interpersonal relationships, but these individuals usually have unresolved problems; they are actually problematic individuals!

In some cases, such relationships in our lives last for a long time, even sometimes we live with such a person for a lifetime. In some cases, we succeed in getting out of this harmful situation, which is often due to familiarity with the reasons for this issue and identifying aspects of identity and psychological experiences related to the past that drive us in this direction.

The good news is that getting rid of this situation is not necessarily essential. An emotional relationship with a complicated and even problematic person can be good and useful for many of us and provide the foundation for a common life without any problems, as long as the shortcomings and behavioral problems of the opposite party do not prevent us from experiencing a good feeling in relation to them and our emotional and psychological needs are met in the relationship.

The truth is that no one is perfect, even us. But if this issue makes us always attach ourselves to people who have behavioral or emotional problems, there is a risk that those individuals may not be able to give us what we expect from a "normal" relationship. That is why transitioning from this mechanism of abnormal infatuation is of great importance for our mental health.

Here are some reasons why this change is necessary:

Because we see our own problems reflected in our partner

We all have limitations and problems. These unresolved problems often stem from childhood or adolescence and always accompany us in our lives, reminding us that we have not been able to leave some issues behind and move on. Now, if we happen to see such problems in another person, a simple psychological mechanism is activated in our subconscious: we think to ourselves that I can understand that person well.

I too have struggled with such problems and have not been able to overcome them, so I can certainly help this person a lot. And since helping another person is definitely easier than solving our own problems (at least at first, when we are not emotionally involved), we feel that we are doing something useful for others and ourselves. This makes us feel good, alive, and find inner peace.

However, in such situations, we often quickly realize that not only are we not able to fully solve the other person's problems, but worse, we come to the conclusion that a relationship with a problematic person not only does not lead to our growth and prosperity but also does not provide us with the possibility of overcoming psychological and mental problems. Such relationships may last for years, but usually end somewhere in the middle of life and leave deep wounds in us.

 

Because someone else opens our old wounds

Although this may seem pure masochism, it's not entirely illogical. Part of our existence, the most unconscious part of it, the childlike and insecure part, only feels alive and secure when involved in a relationship that reopens childhood wounds for us. If the other party unintentionally or intentionally reopens wounds that haven't fully healed within us, the emotional part of our existence, at its highest level, develops feelings of affection and attachment towards the other party.

Because our unconscious believes that touching old wounds helps us overcome them. To understand how much we've grown in response to old wounds. To examine and see if we can definitively heal those wounds, or not. And also to realize that the person's existence helps us understand that those injuries are part of our existence and that we must accept their existence.

Experiencing such relationships is sometimes necessary for our growth, and these troublesome individuals may be suitable partners for a complete shared life.

The only danger that threatens such relationships is that if we can truly heal our emotional wounds someday, we may feel that we have changed so much that we no longer need that person in our lives, and despite all the bad feelings this can create, we may feel that we have become attracted to someone else, and now we can experience love with them.

 

Because your partner needs you

Often, such relationships form because you clearly feel that the other person needs you, and this can be convincing enough to create a strong emotional bond between you.

This only happens not because we are caring and considerate, but on the contrary, there are completely opposite reasons for this. Because we feel insecure, we believe that we are not worthy of the love of others, and we know that the other person needs us, even without liking us or causing us to experience feelings of security and love. In fact, it is less likely that they will leave us. However, we also need them, so this relationship can be logical and acceptable.

Relationships that start with these assumptions rarely turn into a happy and fulfilling relationship that lasts a lifetime. However, overcoming this problematic mechanism is primarily about overcoming our insecurities, solving our problems, and unconditionally accepting ourselves, which is a slow and difficult process.

 

Because the problems of the other person seem familiar to us

Many of us have gone through a childhood full of problems, with parents who loved us but also caused us suffering. However, this is the first type of love we receive in life, and one that we always use as a benchmark for measuring love.

Therefore, it is natural that we also look for it in adulthood, at least in similar forms. In fact, if we had non-conventional parents who loved us in their own way, with their problems and limitations, when we find someone else who has similar problems, we can experience that comforting feeling of bonding with our childhood again.

We even find suffering for reasons similar to those that caused us suffering in childhood to be soothing because unconsciously we associate that type of suffering with the natural form of love. Therefore, this becomes a reason for us to feel that we love the other person.

On a small scale, this type of romantic problem can endure over a long period and not create a barrier to people's relationships. In fact, this type of repeated suffering can become an essential evil, a routine that somehow gives us a sense of security and peace and makes us feel that we are in the right place.

 

Because we believe that these individuals are more "honest"

Often what scares us the most is being deceived. For example, a deceitful person who lures us with their lying words but then shows a different character in action. In such cases, the most important characteristic for us in a person is honesty and truth-telling. Who is more truthful and honest than someone who has their own problems and is not ashamed to openly disclose them?

For this reason, based on some studies, individuals with problems statistically experience more relationships than those without problems. The fact that such individuals can actually attract others more easily indicates that personal problems do not necessarily create a limitation in emotional relationships and honesty about them can even be considered an advantage.

Whether such relationships are stable or not, of course, depends on many other external factors. The truth is that honesty is never enough to achieve a successful relationship. However, if these personal problems do not have serious and important effects on the daily life of the parties, such relationships can also be sustainable enough and even last a lifetime.

 

Because of friendship

This is actually a rare and special case, and it rarely applies to emotional relationships where we invest our lives. This happens when you are at the highest level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. When all your needs are met, when you feel happy and satisfied in every way, you often feel inclined to give part of what you are to someone else.

In this case, helping others can become one of your basic needs, as it gives deeper meaning to your existence. In this case, meeting a troublesome person can prompt you to give them what they need and help them in a way.

In such cases, a deep friendship or a kind of personal coaching relationship is likely to be formed, but not a romantic relationship. In fact, people who have reached the highest level of Maslow's hierarchy do this, choosing their life partner before this happens and having a shared life that satisfies them and gives them what they need.